


whom I began perhaps to love, perhaps to hold

by lowdensdimples



Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24164815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowdensdimples/pseuds/lowdensdimples
Summary: Before leaving for the war, Jack made Tess a promise: that he would have come back, for her. A promise that he has kept, at least partly. Tess would soon realise that her Jack is a changed man, a man that perhaps cannot be with her anymore.
Relationships: Collins (Dunkirk)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. 
> 
> So, had to revise some of my fanfictions because studying has confused me about the plots and everything. Finally ready to show this one to the world though.
> 
> The title is a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke called "Woman in Love".

She kept fiddling with the wrist of her dress while she waited for him to come down that train, the station bursting with people, screaming and crying, hugging their lovers and brothers, sons and husbands. She wasn’t any of that for him just yet, but she had still decided to accompany his mother to pick him up, dressed in light blue poplin dress down to her calfs and a small cream coloured hat. She was high on her tiptoes to see through the crowd of people and hoping to spot him. When she finally did, she could not withhold a huge beaming smile to form on her face, waving her hand to get his attention as he was coming down the small steps onto the busy quay. His short blonde hair looked ever more golden under the rays of sunshine and his blue eyes welled up with tears of joy.

_It was over. Finally, over._

He finally reached them, bumping into endless kissing couples, in his beautiful blue uniform all ironed and clean, still handsome like the day he left when he was barely twenty-three. You could tell how joyous he was while hugging his mum, so much shorter than him that she could just put her head on his chest and smell the perfume of freshly washed clothes. When it came to her, Tess' body was almost aching to feel him pressed against hers, his arms wrap up so tightly around her torso that she felt almost a tingle of pain as he lifted her off the ground and gave her soft, featherlike kisses on her neck.

“I’m such a lucky man, I’ve got the prettiest lassies in Scotland to pick me up at the station.”

He said, as he smiled down at his mother, adjusting the little burgundy hat she was wearing and tapping her tearstained face with his own handkerchief. Tess walked just behind them, not wanting to break this poignant moment between a mother and her son, a son she thought she would have never seen alive ever again during the dreadful nights spent together crying over his letters. They had gotten closer due to the common bond they had with him, although Mrs. Collins had always been partial to her. He was four years older than her, which meant they hadn’t really been playmates, but they were part of that group of kids playing around in the park, growing up together, the younger ones trying to copy the older, the older looking after the younger. Her sister not missing a movement of hers as she sat on the bench with John, the man she would go on to marry years later.

_“Tessie! Stay where I see ye. Understood?”_

She loved those small memories, how they had grown so much since those days when they were just little kids. But if there was one thing that hadn't changed in him, it was that he had remained always ready to take care of her. Just like when he had to defend her from the older girls as kids or when he had to bring her back to her sister after she had scraped her knees, crying and holding on to his hand. She remembered as they got older, the way he would look at her, dreamily, as she went on doing her shopping at the market, the basket of her bike full of flowers and colourful fruits. Jack could not just ignore the fact that the little girl Tessie had grown into a fine young woman, perfect in every way, as far as he was concerned. He went as far as talking to his mum about her.

“She is nice, isn’t she?”

His mum nodded approvingly and smiled because she could see her son blushing up from the tips of his toes up to his hair.

Tess would always wave back at him whenever she saw him starting at her adoringly and approaching her to enquire about her day and her family. She sometimes wondered why he would even look at her that way, which became much clearer when he showed up at her door one day, with a bouquet of her favourite flowers in his hands, all polished up and handsomer than ever in a white shirt and grey trousers and jacket. She opened the door herself, her hair in disarray, but still wearing her calf-length blue skirt and a white shirt perfectly tucked in, barefooted, but still in her stockings.

_“Would you like to come on a date wi’ me?”_

_“Yes!”_

It was a year before the war had begun. A year before the day he had sat with her on a bench telling her that he had to go, but that he’d come back for her, kissing her face and telling her not to cry because _“yer skin is so delicate, it gets all puffy and red when ye cry.”_ Or when he promised her that he would come back for her, to finally merry her. A promise which he had kept, at least partially so far. He turned around with a quizzical look on his face when he saw her standing aside and walking on her own. “Come here, Tess. What are ye doing walking on yer own?” As she approached them his arm immediately went around her waist, keeping her closer to him, he pushed her hat aside placing a soft peck on the side of her head. His lips were pink and soft, a clump of his hair falling on his forehead tickled her a bit as he had lowered his head to kiss her, his grip on her becoming stronger, his fingers closed around the fabric of the cream cardigan she was had put on as the wind had become stronger.

“So, Tess. Are you going to stay for dinner tonight?”

Asked Mrs. Collins, taking the keys from her little snakeskin brown purse, holding it by the little wooden handle. She smiled at her, taking one of Tess' hands in hers. She had always been a very elegant little woman, much shorter than her late husband and her son, but with the same golden hair as him.

“Yes, Mrs. Collins.” To which she rolled her eyes “Call me, Eilidh, honey. We have talked about it.”

Tess smiled and nodded and they both approached the front door, before she could feel Jack's hand lightly wrapped around her arm, “Maw, do you mind if we go for a little walk before dinner?” She smiled and told them to be back in forty minutes, as she didn’t want them to find the food cold after all the time spent preparing it. When they were left alone Tess’s heart sunk a little in her chest, they had been alone before but every time she seemed to be getting used to it, used to his piercing blue eyes and his deep voice talking to her, he had had to go back. He smiled at her, putting each hand on the side of her body, looking at her as if in disbelief she was actually there, with him, permanently. He would have never have to go back to war again. “Ye became even more beautiful than when I left you last time.” She giggled “You say that every time!” jokingly pushing him away. “It’s true, though.” He took her hand in his and they started walking along the road, only to come to their favourite spot, between two small buildings in old brown stone, the flowers and the vines from Mrs. Ainsley's window still creating the same romantic atmosphere. Hidden away from everyone and especially from her sister, who would always smile and scream at her jokingly, as she was leaving her house to go and meet him:

“Don’t get in trouble you and that lad of yours!”

It took them a second to check nobody was actually there, once assured they were – in fact – alone he put his soft warm hands on either side of her face and started kissing her. His body pushed against hers, manly and strong, making her feel like she could crumble in his arms, completely giving in to him. Parting from her lips, he gave her a quick light kiss on the tip of her nose, then crushed his nose against hers, smiling the entire time. His hands roamed around her body, leaving her face, to feel the softness of her and to pull her even closer to himself.

“God, I missed this.”

She remembered how he loved passing his hands through her hair as they kissed, which he was now avoiding as they had to be at dinner in about 30 minutes. He would softly comb it loose with his fingers, unleashing the sweet smell of lavender from it. She could smell his minty breath and the scent of coffee imbued in the wool of his jacket, his heart was beating fast, but not as fast as hers as he crushed his lips against her once more, making them swell with passion. She parted her lips for him, so that he could slowly slide his tongue in, delicately, his hands back on their initial position on either side of her face, as they deepened the kiss, breathing heavily. She grabbed onto his shoulders, feeling her knees getting weak, teeth clashing against his, one hand going up to his neck letting her fingers dip into his skin. He reacted to this little provocation by putting one hand behind her neck and slightly pulling her hair forcing Tess to open her mouth more to him.

“If we only had more than 30 minutes.” She laughed, feeling the touch of his hand on her breast, her body reacting to this intimate contact in a way she could barely understand, her mind still hazy. “I wouldn’t let you go _there_ anyways.” He chuckled. “Really? I’ve just come back from the war!” She straightened his collar and adjusted his hair “Nay, you’re not going anywhere.” He laughed and hugged her tight. “What about a wee romantic trip the two of us, mh? Just the sea and lots of seafood. I know a nice place.” Then he looked deeply at her. “In a week I’m starting my new job, renting a new flat you could help me choose, since I hope ye are going to move in soon.” He touched her hand, letting his fingers intertwine with hers “I’m going to ask ye properly, I got a nice ring.” Her smile grew of two sizes and she laced her arms around his neck. “Yes, to both the trip and you.”


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter in! :)   
> I hope you all enjoy. 💞

The car went along smoothly on the road, Jack’s left hand firm on the steering wheel, his right arm on the window, fingers drumming as he his eyes kept on the road stretching in front of them. He had rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt, the hair on his arm standing on end reacting to the chilly breeze. They were driving to Whitby, where one of the other pilots he knew owned a nice inn by the beach. Tess was wearing a short-sleeved pastel yellow shirt and a nice blue skirt; she had taken her shoes off during the four hours long journey. The cold hair made her shiver too, the cold preventing her from having the nap she was desiring so much. She hadn’t slept very well the night before, her mind busied with the thought of whether or not it was right for her to follow him. Her sister, Maggie, hadn’t been happy about it.

_“What will the people think of ye?”_

_“I really don’t care. Nothing will happen if I don’t want it to happen.”_

_“It doesn’t matter, everyone will talk…”_

_“Maggie… he’s going to marry m- “_

_“What if he doesn’t?”_

But she had shrugged off the thought, Jack would marry her. She knew it by the way he looked at her, by the way he kept talking about their life together and how nice their little flat would be, with one extra room “for a future little one”. A thought which had made her stomach twist and turn in pleasant agitation, as she had always wanted to be a mother but felt still quite agitated about what it would take to get there. It was that which had kept her awake, not her sister’s remarks, but the thought of what would happen alone with him for two whole nights. She wasn’t even sure he would even try to take such a big step, but if he did what was she to answer? Was she going to say no and wait for marriage or give in, believe that he would think no less of her; And what did she actually want? Regardless of what was right to do, was she ready to have him in that way?

_It was a thought that filled her with anxiety._

“Tess?” His smooth and low voice called her back to reality. “Is everything ok?” asked him sweetly. “It is, I was just thinking. I am a bit tired.” He smiled; but looked rather concerned. His eyes also looking tired. “Ye look cold as well, take my jumper. It’s on the back.” Tess smiled back at him, grabbing the jumper from the back and quickly wearing it on top of her shirt, it was a nice shade of grey which looked lovely on her blue skirt, she smiled, thinking how he always lovingly teased her about her attention for colour coordination. “What were you thinking about?” she was taken aback by the question. She had always felt able to talk to him about anything, but wasn’t entirely sure about how to articulate her feelings on this. “Something Maggie said.” He chuckled. “She was probably just teasing ye, love. Maggie is like that.” She shook her head no. “She was quite vexed this time. She thought I shouldn’t have come with ye on holiday.” He nodded.

_He knew what she meant now._

“Listen, Maggie isn’t wrong. I know what she is scared about, but everyone knows about us. I am sure they know nothing will happen.” Tess smiled at him, caressing his arm affectionately. “Because nothing will, right?” He blushed, but not as hard as her, clenching his jaw just a bit. “Nothing that you don’t want to. But do you?” She shrugged her shoulders “I don’t know.” That was a bold answer for her, she knew the right one would have been just a plain “No”. Saying she didn’t know meant intrinsically that she was considering the idea at very least. Tess felt her chest tighten as she thought about what he would think of her. Probably very badly and she couldn’t look at him in the eyes anymore, afraid of what he would say. “I mean, maybe not now. But in future I will, just because I love you, I will always feel safe with you.” He smiled at her, taking her hand in his. It was so small and delicate, he brought it to his lips and kissed her knuckles tenderly, before caressing her cheek with his thumb. “Thanks, dove. Ye make me feel safe too, God knows I need it.” She smiled back at him, worried at this newfound vulnerability that he had displayed since he had come back. More than once he had hinted at needing her, especially at night, just to have someone to hold on to or at how fragile he had been feeling. “I’m here, love.” She muttered, kissing his big hand.

Tess didn’t know when or how she fell asleep, looking at him driving, turning his head every now and then, laughing “Stop looking at me like that. Ye freak me out sometimes.” Before poking her nose with his index finger. When they had finally arrived, he woke her up shaking her delicately. “I hate to wake you up, but we are here.” She opened her hazel eyes, blinking and looking at him, stretching her limbs and bowing down to put her shoes on. “Don’t worry with that.” He said, offering her his arm so that she could grab onto him, passing his arm just under her legs to carry her. “I’m doing a second trip for the luggage.” She nodded burying her nose in his neck, dozing off a bit, the sleepless night getting back at her. He brought her in their room, nodding at the woman at the reception. The room was quite big, with a big bed with light blue and cream coloured bedding and a beautiful golden headboard, two expensive looking wooden nightstands and beautiful antique lamps with stained glass lampshades. He sat her on the bed, before leaving to take their suitcase. Tess stroked her arms, his jumper still warming her up and filling her nostrils with his scent, then she stood up to approach the bathroom. It was a small tiled room, prevalently white with a touch of blue in the small details: the floor tiles, the towels and the soft bathrobes. She touched one with her fingertips, stroking the delicate material, warm against her cold skin. She splashed her face with water before heading back to the room. He had already returned and was now sitting on the bed, smiling.

“I ordered something to eat. Ye must be hungry.” She nodded before sitting next to him. “I am peckish.” He lowered his head to kiss her on the cheek. “Tomorrow we could go on a walk, the weather isn’t the best, but we can get our feet wet in the water.” She stroked her nose on his jaw, making him moan sweetly, his eyes closed as to better enjoy the sensation of her skin against his. “I like the plan.” Tess stood up, leaving him abruptly. She opened the luggage taking a nightgown of a delicate mint green with an intricate cream crochet detail on the straps and bodice and a woollen cardigan of the same cream shade. She walked to the bathroom once more, sitting on a small wooden stool and taking off her tights, then her skirt and the two layers she was wearing on top of it. She got out of the rest of her undergarments, before slipping in her nightgown. She heard Jack talking to someone, probably the owner of the inn who had brought them some light dinner. When he closed the door, he called out for her “Tessie, when you’re ready. Take yer time.” He said laughing, he always teased her for how long she needed to get ready. Tess continued to prepare herself, letting her soft long brown hair down and wearing her cardigan, the cold of the tiles under her naked feet. The softness of the cotton brushing against the naked skin of her belly.

She sat next to him on the bed, eating slowly. He was in a chatty mood, probably to break the awkwardness of having her so close to him with so little on. Making her laugh with his joke and tickling her. “Be quiet, I’m eating. If you make me laugh again, I’m going to choke.” They laughed more, until he left her to go and wear his pyjamas, getting ready to go to sleep. When Tess was done eating, she slipped under the covers, feeling her body warm up instantly. In a minute Jack was next to her, slipping by her side “That bathtub looks inviting, I might have a bath when we are back from our walk. It’ll warm me up surely.” They laughed when, putting their heads on the soft pillows, they both gave a sigh of relief. “I’ll sleep better with ye here, I’m sure.”

But he really didn’t. Tess’s own sleep was continuously disturbed by his jerky movements, which she had tried to soothe by holding him into her arms, caressing his face and making him feel her presence by pressing her body close to his, painfully close, whispering sweet nothingness into his ear. Until his dreams probably got too bad to even try to keep sleeping, waking up suddenly, in cold sweats and waking her up once more with him in the process, he ran to the bathroom slamming the door behind him. Tess followed, resting her head on the door. “Jack… let me in.” Silence followed and then a hard “No.” She tried again “Don’t be on yer own. Talk to me, I know ye want to.” Silence followed again and then the door unlocked and he came out, towering over her, shaking a bit, wanting the warmth of her and their bed. “I don’t want to make ye feel bad, I just… I don’t know who else I could talk to.” She nodded “Ye have to talk to me, always. That’s what being together it’s all about.” He smiled and agreed laying down with her, under the covers, feeling her run her fingers on his chest softly, sliding her hand underneath the soft fabric of his pyjama, so different from the woman who was rigidly laying by his side before, now unafraid to make him feel her touch.

He talked of everything and nothing, trying to make sense of way too many thoughts in his head. The fear of waking up back into the war, of dying, of his dearest dying while he was flying high over France. The water filling his lungs slowly in Dunkirk. Losing Farrier. Hearing of John’s, Maggie’s husband, death. And then a new fear, the creeping sensation of being unable to go back to normal, the need for a continuous rush of adrenaline, the need for that hazy feeling that only flying could give him. To all of this she didn’t know how to respond, but she was sure it was only going to take time “Give yerself time, love. It won’t get better now, but we will face it every day as it comes.” He smiled, kissing her softly on the lips. “Ye’re wise for both of us.” Caressing her face slowly he then asked her to talk about herself, how was it while he wasn’t there. Tess was now pouring her heart out, talking about how her sister had hardened a bit, carrying the weight of taking care of both her and her son, Hamish, who was now six and barely knew his father. “She is getting along ok, but it’s a wound that’s never going to close.” Of the fear they all had felt, the hunger, the struggle to survive and the noise of bombs exploding still making their bones shake. Then she went back to her nephew, the light of her life, running hand in hand with her in the park where they used to play as kids. Playing with his little wooden boat by the fountain. “Visit him, Jack. He’s such a lonely child, he’d love to have a new friend.” To which he agreed. “I can’t wait to see him all grown up.”

“Do ye remember Emma Wakefield? The English girl whose family owns the big house just outside of town.” He nodded. Remembering a standoffish young lady, always looking down at them from the windows of her big manor house each time she visited from the south. “She is here now; I work for her.” Jack was taken aback by the news; she hadn’t told him about this yet. “Why?” She shrugged. “Maggie and I were struggling, I-I wasn’t sure…” _You were ever going to come back._ He quickly responded to that “I don’t want that for you. She won’t treat you well.” “It’s not that bad really, the pay is good, and I can help my sister.” He nodded. “Now, I’m here.” She kissed him, deeply, dipping her fingers in his skin leaving marks on his collarbones. He was the one parting his lips for her now, allowing her to explore his mouth, caress his hair, pull it lightly making him moan against her mouth, his teeth finally releasing her bottom lip now swollen from his bites. His hand reached for her breast, feeling the softness of her under his palm, wanting to see her, expose her to his view, if only to rest his head against her warm skin and sleep there, cuddled against her. A desire which she understood because next thing he knew, she was unbuttoning his pyjama, baring his chest, feeling the hair of it under her fingers, kissing him dangerously close to his nipples, goose bumps along his skin. Then she sat, breathing heavily, bravely removing her nightgown.

He breathed in; her body was perfect to his eyes. The small curve of her breasts, the soft flatness of her belly. He felt all of that with his hands, as she laid down and allowed him closer, putting his head on her chest, calming him down with her heartbeat and her breathing. He never dared to touch her, just held her close in his arms and slept there, quiet and peaceful finally, whispering one last thing before falling asleep.

“I love ye, Tessie.”

“I love ye, too.”


End file.
